I really shouldn't find this reassuring, but I do. I've been reading Francis Mondimore's Bipolar Disorder: A Guide for Patients & Families, & came across this nugget toward the end:
"Stress doesn't make people manic or send them into a major depression unless they have bipolar disorder. Neither does drinking too much or sleep deprivation or the loss of a job or the end of a love affair or the hundred other things that you can convince yourself explain your symptoms better than a diagnosis of bipolar disorder."
My bouts of denial usually show up in a weird-ass kind of way. I don't worry so much that non-crazy people will think I'm repulsive because I'm nuts -- I worry they'll think I'm being melodramatic by declaring myself nuts. I've had the same anxiety over declaring myself a drunk: I hear the war stories of other recovering alcoholics & fear mine will sound lame (though when I tell mine in detail, I usually get a few gasps & "you're-still-alive?" looks that ease that concern a touch).
What often gets me (especially, for some reason, right before psychiatrist appointments) is the thought that maybe I'm not really bipolar. Maybe I just had a few bad depressions & drank myself into situations my shrink sees as manic. Maybe I talked myself into a bipolar diagnosis just because it seems sexier than straight depression (does that make me a pervert?).
Which is why Mondimore made me feel better. Apparently sane booze hounds don't typically drink themselves into situations that end with 4 a.m. paddy-wagon rides to a hospital suicide-watch room.
Who knew?
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2 comments:
Fiddle faddle on your story sounding lame, to other recovering alcoholics, or to people with bipolar disorder. I'm not sure there's such a thing as a really sane boozehound. How can one sanely trash their liver, life and sometimes liberty to drink? But no, I don't think the paddy-wagon rides of that nature happen to the so-called sane boozehounds. The gasping at our stories sure can be fun though, eh? teehee
I was diagnosed Bipolar 2 years ago at the ripe old age of 52. I have been moody all my life. I never knew what was wrong with me. I hated people and life. And had rather not been born. My bipolar manifested itself more on the down depressive side. This may sound a bit cliche. But when I was manic I felt strong confident and on top of the world. I don't know how to describe it. I was high.
Now this year after 4 heart attacks I've been more depressed.
My shrink says my depression caused the heartacks and my cardiologist say's the oppisit.
Most of my blog is about dealing with Heart disease and heart failure. But I do bring in the bipolar issue.
I am on 5 medication for bipolar and depression. Seroquel 900 mg stopped the mood swings and the voices, Xanax since the cardiac episodes I have panic attacks. I also take vistaril, trazodone, lamictal, and lexapro.
I have started drinking. But I don't think I'm an alcholic.
I wish you the best my friend.
It seems every one has their demons to deal with.
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