Under Pressure

My apologies for talking about myself so much, but it was probably inevitable (& if that kind of groveling annoys you, please keep in mind that I'm a Minnesotan, & we apologize like we drink: far too much, far too often).

That said, the saddest thing about bipolar disorder, from my experience, is the loss of a consistent ability to cope with stress.

It hasn’t been a total loss for me, but I used to be much better at it. That was a big part of the reason I started out as a newspaper reporter: the thrill of a deadline, the pressure of talking a reluctant source into telling you what he knows, the daily anxiety over what your readers & sources & editors will think of what you wrote.

But the stress eventually got to be too much, & I left journalism for law school. I knew that carried its own stresses (ridiculously competitive first-year classes, for one; ludicrously competitive second-year summer-job hunts, for another), but I also knew I could study at 4 a.m. & pull all-nighters before exams. I found that harder to manage with a day job.

Now I find it hard even to remember being as ambitious as I was when I graduated from college, or when I started studying law. I usually do what I can to avoid stress now, & I rarely look forward to it. I feel guilty about that once in a while – like I should contribute something to the world but never quite get around to it.

I suspect I’ll be that ambitious again, during one upswing or the next. I also know it won’t last.