Rod Blagojevich & Me

Most people understand that crime doesn’t exactly breed the upper end of humanity, intellect-wise. But Rod Blagojevich is apparently so stupid he gives Chicago's most venerable tradition a bad name.

And it’s not because he’s a crook. No, it’s because the jackass got caught. Chicago political sleaze has worked long & hard to build its reputation over the decades, & now Blagojevich might tear it all down in the time it took the G-men to cuff him.

Plenty of places swim in the cesspool of political skullduggery, of course: New Orleans, the outer boroughs of New York, L.A., Las Vegas, the entire state of New Jersey (which even manages to smell corrupt). But none of them quite compare to Chicago in their mastery of the game. This is the city that gave the world Big Bill Thompson, “Bathhouse” John Coughlin, Michael “Hinky Dink” Kenna, & "Fast Eddie" Vrdolyak.

And then there's Blago. What a shame. And what an idiot: The man knows he’s under federal investigation – by way of the Bush administration & its warrantless wiretapping, no less – & he yaps about selling a U.S. Senate seat on the fucking telephone?

The whole point behind political crookery in Chicago – the whole point behind Chicago, period – is not getting caught. This is the city where getting away with it has been elevated to high art. The hammer falls on someone every once in a while (prosecutors need work, too), but the likelihood a pol will face jail time correlates almost perfectly with his intelligence.

By which measure Blago should have been born in solitary confinement.

He won the governorship in 2002, at a time when that task was easier for a Democrat than it had been in living memory. As someone I know once put it, but for Chicago, Illinois would be as backward as Alabama, & almost as Republican.

When Blago ran, his predecessor, GOP Gov. George Ryan, was under federal investigation for vacuuming up illegal money (some of it in the form of bribes from unqualified truck drivers who later killed several people on the freeways). Ryan got sent away in 2006, by which time the Illinois Republican Party had eaten itself alive & handed the office to Blago with a bow on top.

But at least Ryan knew when to quit. The feds never recorded him talking shop on the damn phone.

Now, I don’t care how corrupt an Illinois politician you are. When you follow an exposed criminal as governor, something in your mind should scream, “Hey! This is probably a bad time to go around taking kickbacks for open Senate seats & telling anyone who will listen that I'm doing it.”

Political crime in Chicago is measured against political crime in other parts of the United States not based on the amount of money it brings its practitioners, or how high they rise in national politics, or even how badly they harm government where they live. No, Chicago’s prowess in the field comes from the quality, the ingenuity, the dedication of its crooks.

And rule No. 1 among these artists: Do. Not. Get. Caught.

Blago got caught. And now he’s tarnished the crown jewel of Chicago’s reputation. Shame on you, you half-wit.